Forgiving oneself

Today, I consulted a professional about my bad habits. Lately, I got so depressed that I didn't know what to do anymore. My grades weren't the grades, I had dreamed of. I got so down, that I envy people who were better than me.

When I get so down, I always look back. Realizing that I haven't had any achievements. I keep on quitting. I keep on giving up. I realized something, I wasn't fighting for what I loved to do. I was simply giving up what I have worked hard for all those years. It was an obstacle that I should have been strong enough to take on. But I didn't. I admit that regretting would not do any good. But the truth is I admit I was stupid enough not to fight for what I wanted. I was coward.

During the consultation, she (guidance counselor, the one I consulted to) told me that I had to forgive myself. Then, I realized, yeah, All these years, I haven't sat down and told myself I forgive myself for being coward. Instead, I keep on telling myself, how good other people can get and how I wasn't getting any better. Then, I realized what is really wrong with me. It's not them. IT IS ME. I couldn't completely let go of who I had been. I couldn't forgive myself for being coward, for being stupid and for being scared.

But now, I AM going to forgive myself, starting with this day. I AM COMPLETELY letting go of the past. I want to and I SHALL let go of it. No more hiding. No more being scared. This is my life now. All I can do is change my future, even if I can't change my past. I'm going to fight for what I love now. I am CHANGING.

Lastly, I want to be thankful that I was born this way.I was shaped this way. Thanking everything that I have. My mom, my dad, my annoying siblings, my crazy friends, my backstabbing bitches, the gays who couldn't live without ruining someone's reputation, my envious fans and thank you for the people who loves/loved me.

'Cause I am me and I will always be me. =) I'm sorry for myself. Simultaneously healing the wounds of the past.

Happy me! =)


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