Why I Think I Never Got Over You

I've always took pride that I had a crush on you when I was just in kindergarten. We were in the same school but in different sections. I was Section A and you were B. I don't know how it all started, or why it started. I just remember those feelings for you.

The best memory of that is when we exchanged letters during recess. I also remember how I wrote it down in a piece of paper in an iron stand. But what I don't remember is how things ended. Chances are you've also forgotten all about that by now.  Maybe it's for the best.

The worst memory of that is when I called it a secret when everybody in my circle knows. The fact that our school is small that secrets like that could spread like  wildfire. I was lucky though that someone had the same name as you. But still, I am a little embarrassed that you must have found it out that way.

I never knew how I came to learn the feeling of "crush". It must have been my nanny's influence over me.  Maybe I was just a die hard fan of love, or maybe, as I used to say, we might be soulmates. But I knew when I still had those feelings after 5 years, it wasn't a simple crush. I don't remember what happened, but I knew I had ended things before we even started.

It was right after 5 years of "crushing over you" that I started to shift my attention to someone else.

Why?

I don't know.

I admit that this certain someone caught my attention because of his good looks. He was a level higher. But he became my classmate in one of my classes. We were in good terms until he found out I had a crush on him then he started avoiding me. I must have been a sadist for still liking him for 3 years while he kept on avoiding me.

I was already in first year high school when I had a crush on my worst enemy. I guess it's what they call Karma. I used to hate him because he was arrogant. 'Til my advisory teacher talk me out of it.

I did him stupid favors that I shouldn't have. Boy, do I thank God that I got over those feelings after half a month or so.

Then on that same year, I met the jock.

As a cheerleader, we are to cheer for the jocks. But, I hate them. I feel like all they do is boast. But he was different. He was quiet, pretty and bookish. He made me change my views about jocks. After that year he went to college and we stopped communicating.

This was the time when you're in the same circle as I was. We rekindled our friendship. We shared secrets. We exchanged "I love you's" like it was nothing. We hugged. We loved each other much like siblings do. We text all night long and we talk to each other the next day.

Everything was fine between us. Until a rumor spread that I was your girlfriend back in grade school. It was amusing that I was the girlfriend and I didn't even know. When I told you about it, you shared something I couldn't forget. You did have a crush on me back in grade school.

That's when I knew I wasn't over you.

I wished every I love you's we share was for love. Every hug was a comfort of love. Every message were words of love. How I wished! But it can't happen because you fell in love with someone else and the worst part of it was I KNEW.

I kept pushing you both together but deep down it was the most harmful way of loving you. I kept saying that you both are right for each other but every word suck away my inner soul. You didn't know the pain it cost.

One day, you did something I could have forgiven. But I didn't. Why? Because it was my way out. Out of this feelings that I always knew I had for you. I wanted to forget you. I wanted to get over you. I wanted to have someone who treats me better than you do. Who loves me more than you did. I deserved someone better. 

Until this day, I never found that someone. I feel like I'm stuck and I have unresolved issues with you. Maybe, this is the gift of the curse that I've bestowed upon myself. Every freaking time I get hurt. I always ALWAYS think about you. I know, you never miss me. I know, you're happy now. I know for all the miserable things that's happening with my life is because of me and my unresolved issues with you. I am to blame. I am to hurt. This is probably what I deserve, because I still look for those things that we had. That we ONCE had.

Who cares. Nobody does nor did. But you did. You cared and I just blew it all off for my own selfish reasons. I could have just forgiven you and maybe got stuck to the thinking that maybe, just maybe, you would notice me not as a friend but more than that. Because, after all the shitty things I did to get over you. At the end of the day, I still get reminded of those feelings I once had for you.

By the way, I love myself more now than I used to. I no longer wait for someone to give back what I gave away. I still put my heart on my sleeves though. I'm happy with myself and my continuous improvement towards positivity. But I still miss us, sometimes. When I've got no one to talk to. When I've got no one to cry on to. When I heal my own scars. Because back then, you all did those for me. You were the person I run to when no one's there. You always catch my fall. You were always there and I am the ingrate that pushed you away.

Do I regret it? Every single quiet time, I have with myself.

At the end of the day, I still am not over you.