I Never Told You

I never told you how much it hurt me that you didn't have faith in me. It hurt me that you do not understand me, despite the number of times I tried to make you understand. I never told you that I knew that it always hurt you when I challenge you to end me with a knife. I never told you that you give me anxieties whenever you talk to me. I never told you how much love I have for you that it actually hurts me when you don't believe me. I never told you that I actually understand you. I never told you I get why you are who you are. I never told you that you are not the ideal mom nor the perfect mom. But you tried and fought hard to provide the best things for us. I am so much grateful because I became this strong because of your influence in me. I never told you that I wanted to do the same for you too. I wanted to give you the best life that you deserve to  have. I wanted to erase all of your problems. But there's little power in me to do these. I never told you that I have always loved the bond we shared. The travels we went together. At some point, because we don't agree a lot on business decisions we fell apart. 

I know I wasn't the best daughter for ignoring your calls and blocking you. I might have added to some degree to your sadness. But I did pefer we didn't talk because if we did. I may never find it in my heart to love you. I never told you that by me distancing myself is a way to preserve our relationship. 

We have become toxic to each other because of the financial strains we have and each time we have calls we only fought. You drove me crazy. Stress wasn't something I want to have when my goal in life is to give you the freedom that you deserve. 

But life is not as ideal. You went on and chose to end your life without experiencing the life that you deserve to have. Now, I keep on wishing that there indeed is a heaven because you deserve a room there. You deserve the best care in heaven because your life had too much struggle and I felt that you deserved better. 

I never told you that I am grateful to have inherited your heart, your strength and your wit. I know I am a better version because you mold me to be. I never told you that I understand your discouragement was a means for me to be ready of how cruel life can be. I think I will never have everything I have now if it weren't for you. I don't deserve any of it because you never had the peace of mind you ought to have. 

You keep on worrying about us.  Even if I told you not to. 

I never told you that I wanted my last words to be thank you for being my mother. I hope you allow me to still be your daughter in the next life. I hope we have a better relationship there than in this life.

I never said it because I didn't want you to go just yet. But I know you were in so much pain and you don't deserve to feel pain. You had too much of that and any more pain will just be cruelty. 

I owe you so much. I don't believe in religion but I know a big chunk of my luck was because of your prayers. Now that you are with me in spirit, for every good thing that happens to me is I will that it's because of the love you are still giving out because knowing you, you are just there watching over me. That's how much love you have for all of us. You give it out wholeheartedly that's I will credit you for every good thing that happens to me. Please do not be upset if anything bad happens to me because you already taught me how to deal with it. 

I loved you, Ma. I hope you knew that even if I didn't show it thru actions or words. We weren't that kind of family anyway. 

我不孝，但願來世您還是會願意當我媽，我會好好的補償您。