Letter to my 13 year old self

I know you've tried very hard to get accepted by people. You've please people in order to feel less alone in this world. You secretly want to be discovered by a talent manager to feel that you exist. I know you feel alone despite being surrounded by people. I know you want to be seen, to be loved and to be noticed. I know you've been looking forward to the 25 year old you, who's successful in their career and family.

But I hate to break the bad news to you, she doesn't exist. I'm your turning 32 in August self. I'm still single. I dated a few times. I got rejected by every man I adored and saw potential with. But despite those hardships. I have grown to be grateful because I started to love you and me. I started to accept that your existence matters. I am perceptive now because I needed that skill to survive in this world. You made this possible because you were strong enough to withstand all the things that was thrown at you. I know how much love you crave right now so much so you almost beg for people to listen to you. But pride won't let you beg consciously. However, you don't notice that you are begging subconsciously. I know it's hard to see that you were loved by many. You are loved by the teacher who during recess listens to you cry your heart out. She honed your Mandarin and tried to listen to you questioning your parent's love for you. The boy, who despite broke your heart, stayed when you needed comfort the most. That's why years later, every time you get your heart broken. You are reminded of him. The friends who gossip with you because they trust you with all their hearts that you will keep it to yourself. The friend, you never realize became your best friend years later supports you and hates the people who mistreat you. The other friend, who years later after you both graduated and went to separate colleges, finally sees you and cries with joy at the sight of you. Years later, this friend will become a person you seldom talk to but when you do, it's like picking up from where you've left off. She also supports you and hates people who would mistreats you. They both try their best to validate you. 

Little one, I want you to understand that you are loved. You are loved unknowningly to you because you are busy looking for love. I understand that it was your coping mechanism to something you don't understand yet. I don't hate you for it. I know you didn't mean it. I know it is hard to see it now and it's okay. However, I also want you to know that those hardships have paid off. I am who I am because of your struggles. I am grateful to you for not giving up on yourself. You are strong and you will become even stronger one day.

You will learn that you are capable of validating yourself. You will learn that you are capable of loving yourself. You will enjoy your own company. You will experience the beauty of life. You will spiral back to your old ways but you will manage to bounce back. I hope you know that you don't have to always be okay because it's okay not to be okay. You will sit with the discomfort of uncertainty because that's where you will grow and understand that you need to stay in the present. I hope you feel better now and if you ever feel alone and unloved. I hope you remember to read this and remember that your feelings is always valid. You are loved by me. 

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