Small Wins

Life isn't easy lately. 

I declared that I wanted to join a speech contest and I wanted to win it too. But after the declaration I realized, that I needed to work on my speech patterns. The work was not just for one or two things. It felt like what I only had was courage and confidence--which I was beginning to lose at that point--and nothing else.

Then saboteurs started to come over me, I had doubts that I could do it. Secretly, I was hoping my crush would cheer me up and tell me--he believes in me. But no, to add salt to the wound--he declined to mentor me. I only told him once that I had an anxiety attack over my decision of joining the contest. He said something along the lines of, “If you join you're not expected to win it. Whatever your decision will be the members of the club are there to support you either way. But of course, you're already joining, you might as well win it. ” With those words, he helped calm down my nerves.

Frankly, I understand why he declined to mentor me because the category I was joining was not his forte. But I did tell him, I admired his speech pattern and I wanted to learn that from him. No reaction. My thoughts were consuming me, "he must have an inkling that I like him and this is a subtle rejection and he doesn't want any kind of involvement in my life. He must be really into her--a close friend of mine." It was a punch in the gut; a hard pill to swallow but I had no choice but to accept that rejection. Like any other rejection, I didn't accept it immediately. But this time, I acted that I accepted it gracefully.

At this point, I was experiencing impostor syndrome and anxiety attacks after that. I was already questioning myself, "Can I even do this?" I was reviewing my life and I felt I was a complete fraud because I haven't been successful in any kind of venture I set upon to sail on. The rejection and self-pressure had taken its toll and I knew that I fell into depression already. I feel like the doubts have won. 

But last Saturday, I went out to buy something in Ongpin for a friend. I am grateful that she asked me to buy her something because this walk--for I don't know how--changed my perspective on things.

Everything started making sense to me.

People kept on telling me that I was already doing the work now and it was still early before the club contest. But initially, I felt months of practice was not even enough. However, after that walk. I realize I just have to put in extra effort. I should not count the months but the days that I will be working on my speech patterns. When I saw an opportunity at work where I would be presenting something, I volunteered. Every speech opportunity I had, I raised my hand. I started writing down my thoughts and vowed to blog more often. I was practically telling everyone that I am joining a speech contest and these experiences where going to help me build my confidence in public speaking. I successfully invigorated myself into thinking I can do this which I felt was a win, because I have a need for other people's validation. Hence, why I secretly hoped that my crush will validate me. 

I think I am grateful that he didn't validate me. In a sense, it opened my eyes that I was indeed putting him on a pedestal. He showed a side of him that I like and I already thought he is a match to what I want. But lately, he has been showing the other side of him. The one who isn't interested in me and I have seen him for who he is. I thought to myself, this does not erase the fact that I still like him, but I need to start asking myself if this is the kind of person I want to be in a relationship with? No. But I think I have limited data about him to conclude that I don't want to get to know him. For now, he will be at the back of my head but I will not push him away just because he declined to help me, when I thought I needed him to. I acknowledge that he is humble enough to know that he won't be able to teach me things that other people can and for that, I admire him even more, It shows how he knows his limits and I want that kind of person in my life. I just hope that we are meant for each other. I'll stay positive and attract him into my life.

For now, I have decided to focus on my goals. Enjoying the process of getting there and appreciating the small wins that comes along with it.

Speaking of small wins, today I did a great job on my speaking stints. I introduced the host. I like my impromptu speech answer. I tried using the pick-up line I learned recently during the joke session. I don't even have crutch or repeated words tonight! I tried to be more confident today and for that, I feel great. I am proud of myself. I have successfully imbibe my own phrase, "To be my own cheerleader." I successfully cheered up myself without needing external validation.

I am truly blessed and I hope when I read this again. I will feel rejuvenated and reminded that once upon a time, I successfully battled my own demons.